A PARENTAL LECTURE:

BASIC OUTLINE

(Garrison Keillor, Lake Wobegone Days, p.380)

I. I don't know what's wrong with you.

• A. I never saw a person like you.
  • 1. I wasn't like that.
  • 2. Your cousins don't pull stuff like that.
    
• B. It doesn't make sense.
  • 1. You have no sense of responsibility at all.
  • 2. We've given you everything we possibly could.
    • a. Food on the table and roof over your head.
    • b. Things we never had when we were your age.
      
  • 3. And you treat us like dirt under your feet.
    
• C. You act as if
  • 1. The world owes you a living.
  • 2. You got a chip on your shoulder.
  • 3. The rules don't apply to you.
    
    
    

II. Something has got to change and change fast.

• A. You're driving your mother to a nervous breakdown.
  
• B. I'm not going to put up with this for another minute.
  • 1. You're crazy if you think I am.
  • 2. If you think I am, just try me.
    
• C. You're setting a terrible example for your brothers.
  
  
  

III. I'm your parent and as long as you live in this house, you'll...

• A. Do as you're told, and when I say "now" I mean "now."
  
• B. Pull your own weight.
  
  • 1. Don't expect other people to pick up after you.
  • 2. Don't expect breakfast when you get up at noon.
  • 3. Don't come around asking your mother for spending money.
    
• C. Do something about your disposition.
  
  
  

IV. If you don't change your tune pretty quick, then you're out of here.

• A. I mean it.
  
• B. Is that understood?
  
  • 1. I can't hear you. Don't mumble.
    
  • 2. Look at me.
    
• C. I'm not going to tell you this again.
  
  
  
  

Created 07/30/96 by Dave Burrell.